Conversations are the basic building-blocks of relationships, so when a conversation goes badly, there is a lot at stake. Difficult conversations are difficult for a reason. They stir something deep within us. When our emotions are triggered, or our sense of identity threatened, we are programmed to fight or flee, so it makes sense to try and avoid them. We fear losing our cool or causing discomfort, so we may just hide away from a potentially unpleasant situation and sweep the issue under the rug. But, as we know, avoidance usually makes things worse. When left to fester, issues escalate and it becomes ever more difficult to broach those conversations and face up to awkward or sensitive topics in a non-confrontational, non-inflammatory way.
What if you were more skilled at handling difficult conversations?
You could put a stop to the distractions of avoidance or simmering conflict, and avert bigger breakdowns that negatively influence relationships and business results.
Precisely because they touch our deepest emotions, difficult conversations have the potential to engage us in a way that talking about the weather just doesn’t. They highlight real, profound differences between people. And when we do steel ourselves to go into them, and stay the course, all the way through, there is the possibility of a real breakthrough. The experience of having named the unnamable, spoken the unspeakable, or just being able to express your point of view, changes something, even if disagreement continues. You will sense a sudden lightness, relief, and a deepening connection between yourself and the other person. Dialogue will have begun.
When faced with a looming difficult conversation, you don’t have to stew and stay silent, or stumble your way through, making things even worse. You can prepare yourself and adopt some reliable techniques for transforming conversations that you dread into more productive and rewarding interactions.
Here are my “Six C-crets” for transforming difficult conversations:
1. Be Conscious
If you know ahead of time that a conversation is likely to be difficult, you can prevent yourself from blundering in or shooting from the hip, both disastrous strategies. Preparation is key. Give some thought to these questions before you embark on your conversation:
- What is the issue? What is your desired outcome?
- Who are the players and what are their sensitivities?
- When is it a good time to have this conversation and when is it not?
- How will you raise the issue and how will you frame it in a non-inflammatory way?
- How will you respond to the other person’s likely reactions?
This type of conscious, strategic preparation will help you anticipate the worst pitfalls, and may result in much more positive outcomes.
2. Be Compassionate
However stirred you feel before, during or after a difficult conversation, remember that the other person:
- Has feelings too, and is probably feeling the same way
- Has a point of view, which may be different from yours, but may also be valid
- Is probably well-intentioned, as you are
- Has challenges you may not be aware of.
Shifting your mindset to one of compassion, rather than anger, blame or dread, can go a long way to defusing the difficult nature of difficult conversations.
3. Stay Curious
One of the biggest problems in human dialogue and relationships is that people do not listen to one another. If I am locked in my worldview and you are locked in yours, how can we ever communicate well? If, on the other hand, I am genuinely curious about your thoughts, opinions and experience, and if I ask questions and bother to actually listen to your answers, what effect will that have on the quality of our interaction?
Demonstrating real curiosity about the other person’s point of view will prevent them from shutting down and may enable you to keep the conversation going long enough to find a resolution. With this single principle, I can predict that not only will you find difficult conversations becoming easier to have, but you will open the door to building successful relationships.
4. Be Clear
It is important to be clear in your own mind about why you need to have the conversation and what you want to accomplish with it. There may be times when you decide that it is just not worth having. This is a clear, well thought out position, and is different from avoidance.
If you do decide to initiate a potentially difficult conversation, make sure you say what you mean, with clarity, and mean what you say. Speak plainly, give specific examples, and do not be tempted by manipulative techniques like the poisonous “compliment sandwich”. It is also a good idea to check that the other person has heard what you intended. Lack of clarity is a common reason for misunderstandings and escalation of difficulties between people.
5. Keep Your Composure
Difficult conversations are emotional. They may threaten your sense of identity or security, and may jeopardize valued relationships. In the heat of the moment, your most primitive flight or fight responses may be triggered, and you may find yourself losing control. What if you (or they) yell, cry, crumble or sink into sullen silence? This “amygdala hijack” is not conducive to productive conversations, and just makes a difficult conversation worse.
If you notice yourself starting to lose it, here are some ways to hold yourself together:
- Take a few deep breaths
- Run through the other C’s in your mind
- Imagine you are a fly on the wall, and try to get some distance from the immediate emotional triggers
- Try and lighten up. Is there any humor in the situation?
- Calmly ask for a pause or a time-out. Say you are feeling emotional and can’t think clearly, so it may be better to continue the conversation at another time.
6. Be Courageous
It takes courage to initiate a difficult conversation. Once you have judged that the benefits will outweigh the costs, and that an issue has to be addressed, it takes courage to speak your truth and honor your integrity. It also takes courage to open up, make yourself vulnerable, or cause someone else potentially to feel uncomfortable. But if you approach your difficult conversation skillfully, you may find that, ironically, you reach a higher level of intimacy and mutual understanding than if you had just let things slide by.
Try these “C-crets” for yourself and see what happens. Even if you don’t reach a resolution or catharsis, it is worth developing some skills and strategies to be able to embark on difficult conversations with more power and less dread.
Good luck with your next difficult conversation. Why don’t you write and tell me what happened?